Welcome Home

Here I am in my own bed.  I am not just enjoying fresh sheets, but soft sheets!  Oh what a joy it is to be back in my world.  I was greeted by an ecstatic puppy that hasn’t left my side.  With Dylan leaving for College and me being in the hospital I think the poor pooch thought the kids had left forever.   

While I am so happy to be home I am already overwhelmed by life.  It never stops, it doesn’t matter how long I am gone, when I return the immersion is always rough.  It is best described in one of my favorite quotes about chronic-terminal diseases. 

“The world of a chronic-terminal illness is, in many ways, akin to the world of war.  It exists as a parallel universe to what might be termed “the real world.”  This so-called real world lies outside the door, down the street, across the river, beyond the boundaries of the battlefield.  A world that presumes to be the definition of normal, where folks get up and go and do and be as they please, unfettered by the obligations of disease, or the assiduous anticipation of death.  A world that carries on without you as you fight, one you long for, have a relationship with, even get leave to visit, but a world from which you must always return to face a harsher reality.” Sixty-Five Roses Heather Summerhayes Cariou

The hospital is my battlefield and my home is my parallel universe.  When I am home I get leave to visit “the real world,” that world where I can blend in for a short period of time.  This is the world where I spend time with my friends and I dive into school.  This is the place where even though I have to think about my disease all the time, the people that love me don’t.  This world is where I get to dress, talk, laugh, play, and be like you.  In this world I can blend in if I want to.  People don’t stare.  People don’t pity.  People don’t feel uncomfortable around me.  Sometimes that world is where I need to be, even if only for a short while. 

As much as I love this world, it isn’t my world and it is exhausting to pretend differently.  I step into “the real world,” but I find life in every world.  What I have had to learn is how to combine these worlds so that I have consistency and a sense of normalcy.  As much as I hate my disease, I have no intention of ignoring it or hiding it, but sometimes it is nice to leave it in the rearview mirror.  It is sitting in the backseat, but it is at the front of my mind. 

I am so happy to be home and welcoming the challenges because the fight never ends.  I appreciate all of your prayers, your words of encouragement, your inspiring gifts, but what I appreciate the most is that you have given me a place in your heart.  I appreciate that you care and this post is in no way to diminish that gift.  It is only to say that I am happy to be back in the world of school, seeing my friends, and enjoying all of the things that I love.