Its Always the Bigger Things in Life That Seem to Choose You

Its funny how when I get sick all of a sudden I get a sense of urgency to live my life, like somehow the whole time before I wasn’t. Looking back though I know that isn’t true. So where do these feelings come from? The feelings of dissatisfaction with my life? Is it dissatisfaction or is it a desire, a longing for something more, something better, something I can never accomplish here? Are these feelings pushing me on to fight? Are they a defense that comes to my aid to get me through what the world has placed in front of me? Are they reminders of bigger callings God has on my life than the limitations the world of medicine wants to tell me I have? 

It’s all of those things. 

“I would not be here tonight if I had to choose
Its always the bigger things in life that seem to choose you
You can say what you want
Believe what you will believe
But i will take what I want 
And see what I need to see”
-Everything Is Beautiful

People often tell me I am a fighter, that I am tough, or I am the most courageous person they know. I appreciate their admiration of me, but its not anything that is of me that has made me that person they see. I used to think I was a fighter because it was the only option I had, but that’s not true, I could have always given up, I could have given in at any time and believe me, there have been times I have questioned it. Maybe its like Mother Teresa said, God gave me this life because I could handle it, I believe it will never be more than I can handle, but I wonder sometimes why it has to be just soo hard. I tease that I like to see just how sick I can get before I can get better, but really I think God takes me just to the point that His power will be the most vastly revealed. 

In 22 years of my life God has shaped and molded me, He has chipped away at my sinful ways and He has watched me break, stepping in every time to put me back together. He is still teaching me new things every day through every situation, the good, the bad, and the unimaginably hard. One of those lessons is knowing when and what to share with those who pray for me and care for me. 

I know that God will heal me. He will in His own way. I don't know what that is but I'm not worried. The good news is that I don't feel terrible despite how sick I am. God still has me smiling and I have a light heart. I will get through it. I know how close God allows me to get to the end sometimes. I'm not brave, I'm not perfect or courageous, but I have a God who instills those virtues in me as weapons to use against this disease. Satan will not have a hold on my life in this way. I know God loves me and has plans for me and I'm not done here. I know that I am not walking this alone and that He will carry me through this. It is not about finding the strength to fight, it is about knowing that my God has already won and that I just need to lay my life at His feet. He will give me the strength to do the rest He wants me to do. 

I know a lot of people are praying and that brings comfort. I'm not worried though and I don't want others to be for me, but to see God's power at its finest they need to know how serious the situation is. Please know that my updates are not a search for pity, they are an invitation to walk along side me and lift me up in prayer so that when God's glory is revealed, you will see it too! You will have been a part of that story.