The Call

Yesterday I received the call.  The one I had been patiently waiting for.  Tuesday came and went… I was supposed to hear.  Maybe I was finally getting this patience virtue acquired?  The rest of the week passed and the next Tuesday came, still nothing.  I hadn’t even calculated how long it had been, my mind was at ease, my spirit at peace, and my heart overjoyed for the first time in a long time.  I was doing things I enjoyed, not stressing over my responsibilities, and making every effort to take care of my health.  Then the call came.  I slept through it of course like every faithful college student would at a call that came in during the morning hours of a day whose duties weren’t demanded until the afternoon.  When I got up I saw that I had missed a call.  The area code was one I vaguely recognized from the previous serial dialing I had been doing in weeks previous.  It was San Francisco.  My heart stopped momentarily as I looked at my phone.  All of a sudden I felt all of the panic and worry that I had been able to avoid in the past week in one minute as I found the courage to dial my voicemail.

“Hi Kari, this is Jill from UCSF.  I was calling to discuss with you the results of our further evaluation of your case.  Please give me a call back.”

Do I call back immediately?  This was what I had been waiting for wasn’t it?  Answers.  But, what if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear?  What if it was?  What did I even want to hear?  I needed to call and just get it over with.  I pressed the callback button.  Pick up, don’t pick up, pick up, pick up, no don’t pick up.  My heart was racing and I could feel my anxiety rising with every held breath.  I was soon greeted with Jill’s voicemail.  Slightly relieved and slightly disappointed I left a message for her to call me back. 

Phone tag was a game UCSF was very good at playing, elusively hard to catch.  I prayed that I wouldn’t have to wait all day for an answer and more urgently that I would not miss the call.  An hour later the phone rang.  My voice shook a little as I said hello.  The voice on the other end proceeded to tell me their recommendation.  They recommended that I visit Pittsburgh because they have a more superior program.  After skirting around the issue for a while I repeated back to her in more straightforward terms the message she was in fact trying to tell me.  San Francisco is not the facility for me or rather I wasn’t the patient for San Francisco.

“That had to be what you were expecting?”  she asked.

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.  What had I been expecting?  Was I expecting a no?  Had I been daring to hope for a yes?  The truth is, I was expecting God to make the decision for me.  I was trusting that His provision and presence that was so clear to me would result in furthering whatever plan He had for my life.   I know that I have said that I wish I knew what my future held, but after giving that to God, I truly gave that it ALL to Him, my worry, my angst, my dreams, and my future.  So, was I expecting a no?  No.  But I wasn’t expecting a yes either.  I wasn’t expecting, I was waiting. 

I know many of your reactions instinctually would be to say “I’m sorry” but I don’t want you to be because I am not.  I am not sorry; I am secure in the arms of a sovereign God who I know will save me.  He has already saved my soul and that is what really matters.   My mom told me that it is far better to have a sick daughter who has a healthy soul than to mourn a lost soul of a healthy child.  So today I do not cry out in distress because our well has been filled in.  Instead I am moving on awaiting the next well in our journey.  Maybe Pittsburgh will spring water that will quench a great desire, but my focus at the moment is to enjoy life where I am, pray myself to Spring Break, and when I return face a new term and gear up for our week in Pittsburgh. 

What I ask is that instead of feeling sorry, discouraged, frustrated or defeated, continue to pray for God’s provision in my life.  That He would provide health through Spring Break, wisdom and care in the preparation at Pittsburgh, and an abundance of joy in my soul as I choose to fully rest in His arms that are the ONLY thing that can carry me through on this journey.