23

This last year has been the hardest year of my life.  It has brought about more tears, more frustration, and more fear than any year before.  But, this year has also been so full of life, doing the things I love, enjoying the days I felt good, fostering the relationships that mean the most to me, and checking things off my bucket list.  One of those being growing closer to God, and I will let you in on a secret, it has been so much harder than I anticipated.  There have been pits, deep trenches, and some very dark valleys, but God never left, He continued to fulfill promises even when I couldn’t see them, He continued to give me strength when I thought I couldn’t go any further, and He carried me along the path when I didn’t have the heart. 

Today being my birthday has reminded me who is the keeper of time.  I was told I wouldn’t live to be 5 years old, I was told “this might be the end” more than twice this year, and here it is, a new year, another year older, another milestone to celebrate! 

This last year has been a challenge learning the lesson of hope.  Where is it that I place my hope and how do I stand firm in that hope when everywhere I turn it feels something is trying to steal it.  My hope lies in the one thing that cannot be put to shame, my hope is in the one thing that can bring absolute peace, and my hope is in the one person that won’t disappoint, because my faith is in Christ.  It is not in my doctor, it is not in surgeons, it is not in insurance companies, it is not in transplant facilities, it is not in medicine, it is not in me, and it is not in anyone else, it is in CHRIST.  These last few months have challenged me to recognize and keep that hope alive and in the right place. 

God is gracious, He is sovereign, He is compassionate, He is in control of my life, He numbers my days, Him alone, and He is where my hope is found.  I know He brings peace, I know He promises healing, and I know that He will never give me more than I can handle.  One thing I have realized is that even if you know it, it doesn’t mean you feel it.  You know that you can trust and rest in Christ, but sometimes it is still hard to obey.  The hardest thing about following Christ is that you know He has the best in store for you and that He will take care of you, but with that it means accepting it might be a painful path. 

 

I do not know what is in store for me this year, but I am trying to claim that peace, place that hope, and seek rest.  I have an appointment with the transplant team at UCSF on the 21^st of February.  I could use your prayers for favor with their team, peace in the midst of all these heavy life unknowns, and a renewed spirit to take on the battle.

Thank you all for your support!  You carry me through and God is using you.