The Call

Yesterday I received the call.  The one I had been patiently waiting for.  Tuesday came and went… I was supposed to hear.  Maybe I was finally getting this patience virtue acquired?  The rest of the week passed and the next Tuesday came, still nothing.  I hadn’t even calculated how long it had been, my mind was at ease, my spirit at peace, and my heart overjoyed for the first time in a long time.  I was doing things I enjoyed, not stressing over my responsibilities, and making every effort to take care of my health.  Then the call came.  I slept through it of course like every faithful college student would at a call that came in during the morning hours of a day whose duties weren’t demanded until the afternoon.  When I got up I saw that I had missed a call.  The area code was one I vaguely recognized from the previous serial dialing I had been doing in weeks previous.  It was San Francisco.  My heart stopped momentarily as I looked at my phone.  All of a sudden I felt all of the panic and worry that I had been able to avoid in the past week in one minute as I found the courage to dial my voicemail.

“Hi Kari, this is Jill from UCSF.  I was calling to discuss with you the results of our further evaluation of your case.  Please give me a call back.”

Do I call back immediately?  This was what I had been waiting for wasn’t it?  Answers.  But, what if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear?  What if it was?  What did I even want to hear?  I needed to call and just get it over with.  I pressed the callback button.  Pick up, don’t pick up, pick up, pick up, no don’t pick up.  My heart was racing and I could feel my anxiety rising with every held breath.  I was soon greeted with Jill’s voicemail.  Slightly relieved and slightly disappointed I left a message for her to call me back. 

Phone tag was a game UCSF was very good at playing, elusively hard to catch.  I prayed that I wouldn’t have to wait all day for an answer and more urgently that I would not miss the call.  An hour later the phone rang.  My voice shook a little as I said hello.  The voice on the other end proceeded to tell me their recommendation.  They recommended that I visit Pittsburgh because they have a more superior program.  After skirting around the issue for a while I repeated back to her in more straightforward terms the message she was in fact trying to tell me.  San Francisco is not the facility for me or rather I wasn’t the patient for San Francisco.

“That had to be what you were expecting?”  she asked.

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.  What had I been expecting?  Was I expecting a no?  Had I been daring to hope for a yes?  The truth is, I was expecting God to make the decision for me.  I was trusting that His provision and presence that was so clear to me would result in furthering whatever plan He had for my life.   I know that I have said that I wish I knew what my future held, but after giving that to God, I truly gave that it ALL to Him, my worry, my angst, my dreams, and my future.  So, was I expecting a no?  No.  But I wasn’t expecting a yes either.  I wasn’t expecting, I was waiting. 

I know many of your reactions instinctually would be to say “I’m sorry” but I don’t want you to be because I am not.  I am not sorry; I am secure in the arms of a sovereign God who I know will save me.  He has already saved my soul and that is what really matters.   My mom told me that it is far better to have a sick daughter who has a healthy soul than to mourn a lost soul of a healthy child.  So today I do not cry out in distress because our well has been filled in.  Instead I am moving on awaiting the next well in our journey.  Maybe Pittsburgh will spring water that will quench a great desire, but my focus at the moment is to enjoy life where I am, pray myself to Spring Break, and when I return face a new term and gear up for our week in Pittsburgh. 

What I ask is that instead of feeling sorry, discouraged, frustrated or defeated, continue to pray for God’s provision in my life.  That He would provide health through Spring Break, wisdom and care in the preparation at Pittsburgh, and an abundance of joy in my soul as I choose to fully rest in His arms that are the ONLY thing that can carry me through on this journey.  

Waiting on a Promise

In my Bible study I was posed the question “What promise has God made that you feel you deserve, but have not yet received?”  I admit with humility that as I read the story of Sarah and Abraham I felt frustrated that God has not made me a more specific promise.  I know the promises in the Bible, but sometimes they feel so vague.  Why can’t I be like Sarah?  Why can’t God hear my thoughts and address me with a specific promise about my future?  Maybe just a promise that there is a future to hold onto? 

I feel like I’m levitating above a deep canyon.  All my life I have felt such discernment, holding onto certainty regarding big decisions in my life.  I am only 23, so I realize there haven’t been too many of those decisions yet, but still there have been things that felt big to me.  Life altering decisions like where to go to school, where to live, what to major in. Being told that my life was ending, but knowing that couldn’t be true because God wasn’t done with me yet.  But right now I feel I am supposed to be reaching out, holding onto a promise I’m not even sure of what it actually means.  I’m not falling, I’m not flying, I’m floating in an abyss and I’m not sure where I am supposed to go.  Reaching out grasping onto an invisible hope of an unforeseen future.  How can I do something that seems so confusing?  I know that is the definition of faith, believing in what you can’t see, but I’d rather believe directly in an improbable promise than hope in an undefined one.

In my devotions I was reminded that all business is God’s, but not all of it is mine.  The future is not my secret to be let in on. Knowing my future takes God out of my present.  I am not promised a future, but an eternity and isn't that what truly matters?  God promises to heal the sick and I am commanded to trust in that promise no matter how that promise might be displayed.  

Sarah and Abraham had to wait.  Isaac and Rebekah had to wait.  I have to wait. So, as I am digging wells and waiting, I will actively wait for God to fulfill His promise to me.  Persevering despite any devastation, pain, or hardship.  Knowing that in the end victory awaits me. 

This is something I have been implementing in my life over the past couple weeks and can I just tell you that when you choose patience, God will honor that choice!  I have found myself at peace and experiencing true joy in where my life is at this very moment!  I know that whatever road lies ahead of me is not easy and I have chosen to believe that I don’t know the future because God is not only protecting me, but He is providing for me.  I am not worrying about future pain, but rejoicing in where life takes me at this moment.  I GET to rely fully on God and be alive in today. 

What promise has God made to you that you are waiting for?  How long are you willing to wait?  What are you going to do while you wait?  

UCSF Evaluation

I have been reading the story of Isaac in Genesis.  The story where he is in the land of the Philistines and out of jealousy they are trying to drive Isaac and his family out of the land.  They continue to cut off his water source by filling in his well.  Instead of getting angry and causing a war with the philistines, he perseveres and digs a new well.  This happens again and again.  He was patient and obedient trusting that God would give him the land as promised and he didn’t move away.  In the same way that is what my family is doing right now, we are digging wells.

Stanford was where we started.  I still love my medical team there and if I do end up being transplanted somewhere else I hope to be able to return my care to them.  I have been so blessed to have a staff that is invested in my life, not just as a patient, but also as a person.

You are probably familiar with the saying God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.  In the same way that He chooses people whose lives will be a testimony of His manifestation through them, He also allows chaotic situations where His provision will be made the most evident. It took us one new battery, one battery charger, one socket set, two screwdrivers, two power hijacks, three hours of sleep, 3 helpful locals, one off duty cop and we made it to our appointment! Oh and one Powerful providing God!!!

We got back in our car after stopping for dinner at In-N-Out and our headlights started going in and out.  It wasn’t long before the battery light was coming on and we running on 9 volts.  We made it to Walmart right off of the Willows exit where thankfully we were in luck with a 24-hour store.  Out front we were able to find an outlet.  My dad went inside to buy a new battery, tools, and an extension cord.  I remember thinking, thankfully I have dry shampoo, there is a bathroom, and I don’t need power to run my IVs, I could spend the night here and be just fine.  As far as making it to the appointment, I wasn’t quite as convinced of that. 

After a long night and a lot of repetitious prayer and battery recharges we made it into San Francisco.  We had just taken our exit when we found ourselves in another near battery failure.  Looking for parking is not an easy task.  We headed down a hill and saw the other side of the street was empty so my dad went to make a u-turn.  As soon as our car was perfectly perpendicular the battery died and we rolled forward with a lurch knocking into some garbage cans.  Cars  were trying to get around us as my dad and brother jumped out of the Tahoe.  Quick, Chinese fire drill!  My mom hopped into the driver seat and tried with all of her strength to turn the wheel.  The advancement of power steering we take for granted became very evident.  Suddenly a few people came out of their houses and a man walking by dropped his bag and together they all pushed.  The car was now parallel to the curb and with a few handshakes and breathy thank you’s our local heroes were about their daily business.  A car pulled up and a man jumped out, “Can someone who is not out of breathe please answer me, do you need a tow truck?”  Oh, sir we were in need of a lot more than a tow truck.  My mom told him we were on our way to a transplant evaluation and without hesitation he said “get your daughter in my car right now.”  My mom and I got in to find out he was an undercover cop on his day off and he was now our personal escort to the hospital.  He radioed his friends to tell them he would be late to breakfast, he had decided to do the “good Christian thing” and help us out.  Little did he understand the truth in that statement. 

We made it to the appointment with minutes to spare.  It was all so unbelievable that I almost wanted to cry.  My heart was pounding with the adrenaline of it all.  The appointment itself went smoothly.  I met with one doctor who will now take my case and present it to a board who will make the final decision.  All that I know is that God clearly wanted me to make it to that appointment and He made His presence undeniably clear.  Whatever the outcome is, I know that it is His will and plan.  There is no doubt in my mind for human error to occur or that I should have done things differently or that I wasted efforts in seeking their facility. 

I have said it before and I will say it again.  The decision of the transplant facilities will not break me because my hope is not in them, their doctors, or their surgeons, my hope is in Christ.  As confusing as that might seem to me at times, I know that He is the one who sustains me and will never forsake me.  So, as hard as the future might be to face, I know that it is a far more perfect plan than I can understand.

23

This last year has been the hardest year of my life.  It has brought about more tears, more frustration, and more fear than any year before.  But, this year has also been so full of life, doing the things I love, enjoying the days I felt good, fostering the relationships that mean the most to me, and checking things off my bucket list.  One of those being growing closer to God, and I will let you in on a secret, it has been so much harder than I anticipated.  There have been pits, deep trenches, and some very dark valleys, but God never left, He continued to fulfill promises even when I couldn’t see them, He continued to give me strength when I thought I couldn’t go any further, and He carried me along the path when I didn’t have the heart. 

Today being my birthday has reminded me who is the keeper of time.  I was told I wouldn’t live to be 5 years old, I was told “this might be the end” more than twice this year, and here it is, a new year, another year older, another milestone to celebrate! 

This last year has been a challenge learning the lesson of hope.  Where is it that I place my hope and how do I stand firm in that hope when everywhere I turn it feels something is trying to steal it.  My hope lies in the one thing that cannot be put to shame, my hope is in the one thing that can bring absolute peace, and my hope is in the one person that won’t disappoint, because my faith is in Christ.  It is not in my doctor, it is not in surgeons, it is not in insurance companies, it is not in transplant facilities, it is not in medicine, it is not in me, and it is not in anyone else, it is in CHRIST.  These last few months have challenged me to recognize and keep that hope alive and in the right place. 

God is gracious, He is sovereign, He is compassionate, He is in control of my life, He numbers my days, Him alone, and He is where my hope is found.  I know He brings peace, I know He promises healing, and I know that He will never give me more than I can handle.  One thing I have realized is that even if you know it, it doesn’t mean you feel it.  You know that you can trust and rest in Christ, but sometimes it is still hard to obey.  The hardest thing about following Christ is that you know He has the best in store for you and that He will take care of you, but with that it means accepting it might be a painful path. 

 

I do not know what is in store for me this year, but I am trying to claim that peace, place that hope, and seek rest.  I have an appointment with the transplant team at UCSF on the 21^st of February.  I could use your prayers for favor with their team, peace in the midst of all these heavy life unknowns, and a renewed spirit to take on the battle.

Thank you all for your support!  You carry me through and God is using you.