Call Me a Dreamer, but Really I am Just a Believer

Sometimes the enemy creeps into the crevices of my mind.

He deceives me with lies and places scales over my eyes.

Trying to harden my heart, he pulls me apart

From the flock of believers and friends.

Stealing my hope and my joy, I fall to his ploy.

He twists my passions and he encourages my lack of actions

Telling me that compassion has made me weak and I’m overreacting,

My emotions are the destruction of falling to menial unsatisfaction

Satan tells me that my dreams are unattractive

and that I can’t achieve them,

But I need to be reminded of the Dreamer who inspired them.

God has called me His daughter and yet I forget to call upon Him.

His plans are bigger than the box within my mind.

It is time for me to stop watching my life in rewind. 

It isn’t about pattern or consistency,

Because God is who holds the plans for me.

Logic only gets in my way to follow Him obediently.

Its Always the Bigger Things in Life That Seem to Choose You

Its funny how when I get sick all of a sudden I get a sense of urgency to live my life, like somehow the whole time before I wasn’t. Looking back though I know that isn’t true. So where do these feelings come from? The feelings of dissatisfaction with my life? Is it dissatisfaction or is it a desire, a longing for something more, something better, something I can never accomplish here? Are these feelings pushing me on to fight? Are they a defense that comes to my aid to get me through what the world has placed in front of me? Are they reminders of bigger callings God has on my life than the limitations the world of medicine wants to tell me I have? 

It’s all of those things. 

“I would not be here tonight if I had to choose
Its always the bigger things in life that seem to choose you
You can say what you want
Believe what you will believe
But i will take what I want 
And see what I need to see”
-Everything Is Beautiful

People often tell me I am a fighter, that I am tough, or I am the most courageous person they know. I appreciate their admiration of me, but its not anything that is of me that has made me that person they see. I used to think I was a fighter because it was the only option I had, but that’s not true, I could have always given up, I could have given in at any time and believe me, there have been times I have questioned it. Maybe its like Mother Teresa said, God gave me this life because I could handle it, I believe it will never be more than I can handle, but I wonder sometimes why it has to be just soo hard. I tease that I like to see just how sick I can get before I can get better, but really I think God takes me just to the point that His power will be the most vastly revealed. 

In 22 years of my life God has shaped and molded me, He has chipped away at my sinful ways and He has watched me break, stepping in every time to put me back together. He is still teaching me new things every day through every situation, the good, the bad, and the unimaginably hard. One of those lessons is knowing when and what to share with those who pray for me and care for me. 

I know that God will heal me. He will in His own way. I don't know what that is but I'm not worried. The good news is that I don't feel terrible despite how sick I am. God still has me smiling and I have a light heart. I will get through it. I know how close God allows me to get to the end sometimes. I'm not brave, I'm not perfect or courageous, but I have a God who instills those virtues in me as weapons to use against this disease. Satan will not have a hold on my life in this way. I know God loves me and has plans for me and I'm not done here. I know that I am not walking this alone and that He will carry me through this. It is not about finding the strength to fight, it is about knowing that my God has already won and that I just need to lay my life at His feet. He will give me the strength to do the rest He wants me to do. 

I know a lot of people are praying and that brings comfort. I'm not worried though and I don't want others to be for me, but to see God's power at its finest they need to know how serious the situation is. Please know that my updates are not a search for pity, they are an invitation to walk along side me and lift me up in prayer so that when God's glory is revealed, you will see it too! You will have been a part of that story.

Glad God is My Physician

I miss the days of pediatrics.  It’s true that in pediatrics they try harder.  They fight harder so that you can live life to the fullest at your healthiest. Somewhere along the lines there is an age gap.  Those that get ill are either children or the elderly.  Kids when they get sick are terminal or they grow out of it.  CFers, we are a class forgotten, in and out of the hospital all of our lives, at every age.  Stuck in the age gap, there is limited entertainment for us here.  I miss the courtyards with playhouses, the rooms with color, the library with movies and games.  I miss being greeted with smiles and unrelenting optimism.  Now when I ask, “it gets easier right?” or tell them “I will get better.”  They shrug their shoulders and avoid an answer.  

That is why I am glad that God is my physician.  He tells me that one day I will be better, one day it will be easy.  He can make those promises with confidence because He has the power to make miracles happen.  Even if I am not healed until I reach Heaven, I can still hold on to the promise that Heaven is near.  I have a thirst and a desire for a better life than this world can offer me. I love that with God as my physician He is allowed to invest and become personal with his patients, that He loves me as His child.   He feeds my passions and inspires me to persevere.  I am not just a medical record number.  This is not just His job.  My life is more than a number, my age is more than a statistic. 

I have great doctors, but there are rules, rules they must follow.  These rules protect them.  I am not saying they are doing anything wrong and God does use them to take care of me, but I do not have to put my faith in them.  I am allowed to hope and believe in something more than they can offer.  Their words wont build me up or break me because I was made for a purpose better then they can promise me.  

I Am What I Believe

I believe in one God who died for my sin and that Christ is my savior and father.  

I believe we are responsible for everything we do no matter how we feel about it. 

I believe your mistakes are what make you who you are and that every choice I make says something about me.  

I believe selfishness is the root of all evil and that selflessness is the way to healing.  

I believe high maintenance is not necessarily a bad thing.  

I Believe life doesn't give you the people you want, it gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to love you, to leave you; to make you into the person you were meant to be.  

I believe fate decides who walks into your life, but you decide who you let stay, who you let walk away,& who you refuse to let walkout..  

I believe life brings you trials and that good can come from the suffering if you don't waste it.  

I believe my pain will never compare to the pain Christ paid for me on the cross.  

I believe in miracles and in the responsibility to help ourselves.  

I believe knowledge is overrated and wisdom is underrated. 

I believe love is used often but not given enough.  

I believe the ones you love are always taken away too soon. 

I believe that just because someone doesn’t love you the way that you want them to doesn’t mean that they don’t love you at all.  

I believe it takes a minute to like someone, a day to love someone, but a lifetime to forget someone.  

I believe that marriage is forever and that diamonds are to be upgraded every ten years.  

I believe accessories make the outfit and a girl can never have too many shoes or handbags.  

I believe that there is no hurry to grow up because it is bound to happen.  

I believe you’re never too old to play.  

I believe traditions give us stability but change makes us grow.  

I believe everyone is a basket case sometime.  

I believe to be remembered is greater than to be known.  

I believe that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.  

I believe life goes by quickly and that no moment should be overlooked.  

I believe that if you get a chance you should take it, if it changes your life you should let it, because nobody said it would be perfect, they just said it would be worth it. 

I believe no matter how good a friend is that they will hurt you and you must be willing to forgive. 

I believe in dreaming big and making a way. 

I believe that no matter how weak you feel you can always find the strength to help someone else. 

I believe everyone should be an organ donor because one saved my life.  

Day 5

Fridays are a day to look forward to in most atmospheres; the hospital is unfortunately not one of those.  Friday means it’s almost the weekend, the weekend means nothing happens, that means two days of sitting and waiting.  One virtue you would think I’d have acquired by now is patience, that would be a negative.

So random thoughts for today….

The cafeteria prices are ridiculous.  Yesterday I purchased 3 pieces of pineapple for $5.38.  Talk about extortion.   That whole supply and demand principle works.  The lines are never ceasing in there and trust me, its not because the food is that good.

I have a tan line already!  Of course it’s from my sock :/  that makes it anti awesome.  I know what my project is over the weekend.  Even that baby up.

I had pulmonary function tests today.  My lung capacity started at 42 and has now reached 57 PTL!!  I would like to see it reach the high 70’s.  That is my usual baseline. 

So far I have found the best way to start a conversation about faith is through music.  I have had two RTs (respiratory therapists) comment on the fact that I was listening to Christian music.  One of them, his wife is a pastor; the other is not a believer. 

I got the room that the “Sticker Girl” had.  Apparently there is a CF patient who loves to put stickers on things.  I call it happy vandalism.  I have found 22 of them so far. 

I got a care package today from the Living Breath Foundation.  It came with all kinds of snacks and such.  There was one of those paddleball toys.  You know the one with the ball attached by a piece of rubber to a paddle and you are supposed to see how many times you can hit it.  So far, 6 times.

Hope you are all having a great Friday!  

Short Account

Alright trustee blog followers it is time I get myself into gear.  I fail at this whole blogging thing.  This is how I am with projects, I have good intentions, but… I don’t always get to the final results. 

Because I don’t like reading long tediously detailed accounts of other peoples lives I am sure you would not appreciate the recount of mine, so in order to avoid a long post I am just going to share some random thoughts and excerpts. 

- It is slightly ironic that I would be hospitalized during CF awareness month, but then again it feels like I spend most of my time in the hospital so perhaps it isn’t that ironic after all.

- I am drowning in more than one way down here.  My lungs are full of mucus, which is making it difficult to breathe, but I have faith that we will get this under control soon.  I already feel a little bit better.  I think that is because of the sun though.  Why do I live in OR again?

- But I am also in over my head with schoolwork.  Amazing how missing a couple days of studying can cause such a set back.   Did I mention the lack of motivation as well?  Something about being sick, you wish you could use it as an excuse to sit around and watch TV all day while people dote on you.  Well… welcome to the real world.

- The weather is beautiful here, but I stick out as an Oregonian.  While the rest of the town is in jeans and a sweatshirt, I am soaking up my vitamin D in shorts and a t-shirt.  Granted it is in the 70’s!

- If there is one thing I hate more than being sick, it is looking like I feel ( sick ).  So… Bring on the sunshine and give my skin some color! Which leads me to…

- I did sneak out to the mall today.  Retail therapy never hurt a girl.  While walking around I found a lot of motivation to start working because there are so many cute summer trends I need to try!

- Walking around on campus has been fun because all of the students are here.  I feel like I fit in.  It’s nice to go unnoticed sometimes.  Especially since when I am inside the hospital I wear a mask and everyone stares. 

- I am quickly going through my stash of apples and power bars and missing Diet Pepsi greatly.  I might go on a quest to a market tomorrow to find some!

So much for the interesting… I appreciate your prayers and support!  I know that I am experiencing peace because everyone is praying.   

CF Acrostic

CYSTIC FIBROSIS

by Me

Crusading for a cure, their
Yearning hearts beat while

Searching for answers they
Try to break free from the
Internal suffering they face.
Courage camouflaged soldiers
Fight; surrendering to nothing,
Immersed in the battle. Their
Bodies betrayed by this
Ruthless disease that ‘s trying to
Overtake and run their life.
Slender silhouettes bare the
Identity of these crippling individuals
Striving to win this fight.