If it Doesn't Sound Like Jesus Rebuke it

Do you ever feel inadequate?  Maybe you have been feeling that way lately.  Perhaps you have been single for a while and instead of feeling that God hasn’t brought the right person into your life, you have begun to feel that YOU aren’t the right person.  Maybe midterms just defeated you as your retention of the information wasn’t perfect and you feel that your intelligence is lacking.  Could you be like me?  Someone who is getting ready to graduate and is looking for a job and while each interview you play up your strengths you leave feeling they identified every one of your weaknesses? 

In this world we are constantly faced with rejection and judgment.  Our imperfections constantly confront us.  What is hard is that these imperfections are pointed out by the voices of those surrounding us and they hold truth.  I have found that as the days press on and life moves me from one stage to the next, the voices grow more demanding.  Some of the voices are insecurities that I project and reflect off of those whose opinions I value.  Some of the voices come from those around me who have the best intentions and only want to help me.  And some of the voices are clearly Satan spitting lies. 

I once heard in a sermon from Jeremiah Bolich where he said, “if it doesn’t sound like Jesus rebuke it.”  This simple statement has stuck with me and I have been trying to implement it into my life.  What I have come to notice is that as the voices pile up and I allow them into my mind choosing to dwell on what they are saying and they drown out Christ.  It isn’t that Christ ever leaves me, but I allow these others voices to line up, each one yelling to be heard over the last.  My mind becomes a chaotic chasm and the voices swallow me.  As they yell over each other, pretty soon I can no longer hear Christ and that is when I stumble in defeat and I feel abandoned. 

Slowly I have been analyzing each voice to see if it aligns with scripture and God’s call of my life.  What I have come to notice is that God’s voice is distinctly different.  Some of the other voices point out my faults and my shortcomings but they make me feel defeated and condemned.  These voices place the burden of guilt and weigh me down.  When God points out my flaws He does it in love and reminds me of his mercy.  He calls me to him and shows me how to change.  He instills hope through his mercy and does not guilt me into defeat. 

This is why quiet time in the presence of the Lord is so important.  We will never hear his voice if we are not listening for it.  God does not yell to get our attention, he doesn’t guilt us into repentance, he speaks truth in love and waits patiently to extend his mercy.  He doesn’t speak in riddles, he is clear and concise.  His voice isn’t hard to hear, but you MUST listen for it.

“If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear.’ Consider carefully what you hear, he continued.  ‘With the measure you use, it will be measured to you-and even more.” – Mark 4:23-24

I challenge you to look at the voices you have been listening to and to examine if they are words from the Lord.  Start by sitting down with the Bible for God has already provided us with direct access to his word.  Pray and quiet your mind so that he can reveal himself to you.  Seek him so that his spirit will fill your body and his words will fill your mind.  Luke 6:45 “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

God doesn't give the hardest battles to his toughest soldiers, he creates the toughest soldiers through life's hardest battles.

This past week I have been studying about the call of Mary.  She was chosen to be the mother of Jesus.  I had often thought about the difficulty of saying yes to God, that she would become pregnant and the consequences that would have presented for a young woman in her day in her situation.  I however, had never thought about how much God was asking of Mary in giving her a son who would be hated, mocked, and crucified.  One of the hardest tragedies I cannot fathom is the loss of a child.  God knew when he asked Mary to be the mother of his son that he was asking her to raise a child who would be crucified as a sacrifice for her and every other human being. 

As I pondered this realization I was reminded of the Mother Theresa quote “I know God will never give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much.”  This is something I have heard repeated over and over again, as advice, as an encouragement.  I thought, wow, God expected Mary to be able to handle a lot.  I thought Mother Theresa’s quote was a paraphrase of a verse in the Bible, that somewhere God promised to never give us more than we could handle, but as I started researching that, I realized that isn’t true.  Nowhere in the Bible does it say God will not give US more than we can handle.  In fact, the opposite is true, we are constantly faced with more than we can handle.  If we never came up against more than we could handle then there would be no need for God.  What scripture does say is that “(we) can do all things through Christ who gives (us) strength.” –Philippians 4:13

It kind of goes hand in hand with the saying “God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers.”  Now, I realize that people say this to encourage those going through a hard time, but it isn’t true. He didn’t create me in my mother’s womb and say, “this one here, she is resilient, she is strong, she can handle Cystic Fibrosis.”  No, he saw me as his child, his creation, he knows every mutated gene in my body and he said, “child, you will see some dark days, days you won’t think you will make it through, but take heart because I have already won the battle!  I will never leave you on the battlefield, I will send my angels to encamp around you, and on the darkest nights, I promise to bring you back to the light.  I know you are weak.  I know you are wounded, but I promise that in me you will find the strength to fight. We will get through this together.” 

There is a misconception that ones struggle is greater than another’s, but I don’t think God measures our struggles, just like he doesn’t measure our sin.  Murder and dishonoring your father are equal in God’s eyes.  Sin is sin.  In the same way our sin is seen, I believe our struggles are.  A struggle is a struggle. People often disregard their struggle when they are talking to me and say, “I shouldn’t complain, it is nothing compared to what you go through.”  You are right, our struggles are not the same, but my struggle does not negate yours.  God doesn’t look at his children and say, Krissy deserves more compassion because she is battling cancer and Joan only has pneumonia.  In the way that God doesn’t judge our struggle, we shouldn’t judge one another’s struggle.  I know that we are all given more than we can handle at times.  God is always upholding us, giving us victory in our challenges.  He is extending compassion, his tears are flowing into ours, and his arms are the fortress in which we are secure.  Often God extends his compassion and love through his people, we are the extension of Christ and so that means that we are the providers of compassion and love, grace and encouragement.  So in the way that Christ sees your struggle, I do not negate it, I am not measuring it against my own, I am here to empathize and encourage.  Perhaps you are one who has said to me that your struggle is nothing compared to mine, maybe you are someone who has felt guilty for sharing your hardship with me, then this post is for you.  I am not gauging your struggle, what I see is a battle that you are facing, something that is difficult for you to fight through, and I am here for you.  I want to pray for you, I want to encourage you, and I want you to know that your struggle matters.  It matters to me and it matters to God.  In the same way God has called out to me, shown me compassion, and given me the strength to fight, he wants to do the same for you.  He knows the battle you are facing, he knows the defeat that you feel, but he is with you and with him you can find victory.  He is saying to you, “I know this is more than you can handle.  I am not asking you to overcome it on your own.  I have never asked you to be strong enough.  What I want is for you to come to me.  Give me your battle and I will give you the strength and victory.”

H2P

Many of you have been faithfully lifting me up in prayer and I am so grateful!  I survived my trip to Pitt last week and am still working on catching back up with my classes, but I know I serve a God who cares to help me even in the smallest areas of my life, so in its due time, by God’s grace, strength, wisdom, and energy, I will get caught up. 

Many of you recall my trip to San Francisco not too far back.  What a crazy trip that was.  As I began prayer in preparation for my journey East, I asked God to allow me to see and feel His presence, but instead this time by everything going smoothly.  It was a LONG week with the shortest day being 7 ½ hours spent at the hospital without any breaks, the longest was 10 hours. 

Pitt is unlike any big city I have been to and when I started thinking about it, I have been privileged to see many.  The people there were so friendly, if you are stopped at a red light and look over, you will probably see pedestrians waving to you, everyone talks to everyone, and someone is always quick to help if you even look a little lost (which for me, was often enough).  There are 15 UPMC (University of Pittsburgh Medical Center) hospitals within the city and 4 college campuses, at least that I had time to count, not to mention other hospitals that are not in connection with UPMC.  The staff was wonderful and I instantaneously got along with/adored the employees I met. 

As you know, the week before I left I blogged that my liver numbers had stabilized to a point of decent functioning which was an amazing PRAISE!  While I was at UPMC I found out that not only is my liver doing okay, but also that my lungs are the best they have been in quite awhile!  My lung capacity went from 38% to 53%!!!

SHOUT OUT TO MY AMAZING HEAVENLY FATHER that I am back in the 50’s!!!!

So as you can imagine, the staff was a little baffled as to why I was there and to tell you the truth, so was I.

The surgeon told us that their success rate for lung transplant was a little bit above the national average.  He explained that their rates would be even better, but that they don’t turn away a case just because it is challenging.  The pulmonologist said that he loves working for his facility because of that fact he has the leeway to petition for his patients. 

We left the facility exhausted physically and mentally, but hopeful.  We were told it would take 3 weeks for us to hear the results of both teams’ decisions.  Well I heard back within a week of my return.

“Kari, this is Lucy from UPMC.  We reviewed your situation and are closing your case.”

……

“The reason for this is because you are too healthy to be listed for a transplant at this time.”

“So, does that mean you will take my case when the time comes?”

“Absolutely! Closing your case just means that we don’t anticipate you needing a transplant within the next year and so instead of your case going to our financial department to figure out insurance coverage, we will wait until you actually need to be listed.”

Do any of you recall the story of Joseph, starting in Genesis 39?  Where he is in prison and praying that God would free him?  Then God answers his prayer beyond what he could have imagined by making him second in command over all of Egypt?  I feel a little bit like Joseph right now. 

I was praying for God’s will, for discernment, and understanding.  I was praying for a facility that would be willing to take my case.  Not only do I have a facility willing to take my case, but also God has restored my body to the point that I don’t need a transplant in my immediate future!  Of course things could change if my lungs grow out new bacteria, if a different complication comes up, but PTL for leaving me plenty of room to remain fully trusted in Him! 

God is so GRACIOUS and has BLESSED me beyond what words can do justice. 

One last thing before I let you go, God has continued to bless me and GUESS WHAT?!?! This girl is moving to Hawaii for the month of June!  Motivated to stay healthy and praying diligently that God continues to bless me with good health.  I am going to see if living in Hawaii really does help me to feel better.  The pulmonologist at Pitt mentioned that CF patients sometimes do have negative reactions to their environment and have had to move.  So, we’ll see! What a shame that would be, right?

Praise. Prayer. Petition. Pittsburgh.

Many of you know that I am headed to Pittsburgh next week for an intense transplant work up.  I just want to share with you what has been on my heart and mind lately.  I have been so blessed to be feeling well.  Over Spring Break I was blessed with a family vacation in a place where I was astounded by God’s creativity and beauty!  Eugene is beautiful with its rivers, it lush green forests and bright green grasses.  The way the leaves turn in the Fall and the flowers bloom in the spring.  The same God that created all of that also created the beautiful beaches, the rainforests draped with twisting vines and hidden caves, and the vast ocean whose entire world is intricately woven together and tied to us here on the continents.  Not only did I get to take in all of this beauty, but I also got to be renewed in spirit and body.  I got to spend time with my family and friends, but I also got to experience a time of health.  My headaches disappeared, my chest pain was gone, I didn’t have any sinus issues, and my cough was very minimal! 

Even though these symptoms have all returned since I have been home I am still praising God that I am relatively healthy!  I am not on IV antibiotics, I am not spending hours in bed, and my mind is clear.  My energy isn’t great, but I at least have some!  I had lab tests done a week ago and they came back relatively normal, normal for me anyway.  In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if Pittsburgh asks me why I am there.  Except that my history shows how quickly things can change. 

I believe 100% that the reason I am healthy today is because God is protecting me and answering your prayers! 

Every time there is an opportunity to be prayed over for healing I will go forward.  I will petition at the feet of Christ every night.  I will never stop asking for complete healing.  There is an example in scripture of God healing a woman because of her persistence in prayer.  It is a desire of my heart and I will not give up hope, but I will also not be discontent if my prayer is not answered.  I have struggled over the years with asking for healing, fear of disappointment, doubt, and discouragement despite my persistence, but I realize now I have a different calling.  I have been given a new perspective.  I will be persistent in my petition, but content in my circumstance. 

I take this with me as I head to Pittsburgh next week.  I am not anxious in any way about the appointments or the decisions they make, keeping up with my schoolwork is a different story.  But, it is like Chris Tomlin’s song Whom Shall I Fear.  His lyrics have settled in me.  “I know who goes before me/ I know who stands behind/ The God of angel armies/ is always by my side.”  God is not just before me; He is encamped all around me.  Christ is not in me, I am in Christ!  God has gone before me to Pittsburgh.  He will be by my side as I go and He will be standing behind me to back me up despite the results.  

The Call

Yesterday I received the call.  The one I had been patiently waiting for.  Tuesday came and went… I was supposed to hear.  Maybe I was finally getting this patience virtue acquired?  The rest of the week passed and the next Tuesday came, still nothing.  I hadn’t even calculated how long it had been, my mind was at ease, my spirit at peace, and my heart overjoyed for the first time in a long time.  I was doing things I enjoyed, not stressing over my responsibilities, and making every effort to take care of my health.  Then the call came.  I slept through it of course like every faithful college student would at a call that came in during the morning hours of a day whose duties weren’t demanded until the afternoon.  When I got up I saw that I had missed a call.  The area code was one I vaguely recognized from the previous serial dialing I had been doing in weeks previous.  It was San Francisco.  My heart stopped momentarily as I looked at my phone.  All of a sudden I felt all of the panic and worry that I had been able to avoid in the past week in one minute as I found the courage to dial my voicemail.

“Hi Kari, this is Jill from UCSF.  I was calling to discuss with you the results of our further evaluation of your case.  Please give me a call back.”

Do I call back immediately?  This was what I had been waiting for wasn’t it?  Answers.  But, what if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear?  What if it was?  What did I even want to hear?  I needed to call and just get it over with.  I pressed the callback button.  Pick up, don’t pick up, pick up, pick up, no don’t pick up.  My heart was racing and I could feel my anxiety rising with every held breath.  I was soon greeted with Jill’s voicemail.  Slightly relieved and slightly disappointed I left a message for her to call me back. 

Phone tag was a game UCSF was very good at playing, elusively hard to catch.  I prayed that I wouldn’t have to wait all day for an answer and more urgently that I would not miss the call.  An hour later the phone rang.  My voice shook a little as I said hello.  The voice on the other end proceeded to tell me their recommendation.  They recommended that I visit Pittsburgh because they have a more superior program.  After skirting around the issue for a while I repeated back to her in more straightforward terms the message she was in fact trying to tell me.  San Francisco is not the facility for me or rather I wasn’t the patient for San Francisco.

“That had to be what you were expecting?”  she asked.

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.  What had I been expecting?  Was I expecting a no?  Had I been daring to hope for a yes?  The truth is, I was expecting God to make the decision for me.  I was trusting that His provision and presence that was so clear to me would result in furthering whatever plan He had for my life.   I know that I have said that I wish I knew what my future held, but after giving that to God, I truly gave that it ALL to Him, my worry, my angst, my dreams, and my future.  So, was I expecting a no?  No.  But I wasn’t expecting a yes either.  I wasn’t expecting, I was waiting. 

I know many of your reactions instinctually would be to say “I’m sorry” but I don’t want you to be because I am not.  I am not sorry; I am secure in the arms of a sovereign God who I know will save me.  He has already saved my soul and that is what really matters.   My mom told me that it is far better to have a sick daughter who has a healthy soul than to mourn a lost soul of a healthy child.  So today I do not cry out in distress because our well has been filled in.  Instead I am moving on awaiting the next well in our journey.  Maybe Pittsburgh will spring water that will quench a great desire, but my focus at the moment is to enjoy life where I am, pray myself to Spring Break, and when I return face a new term and gear up for our week in Pittsburgh. 

What I ask is that instead of feeling sorry, discouraged, frustrated or defeated, continue to pray for God’s provision in my life.  That He would provide health through Spring Break, wisdom and care in the preparation at Pittsburgh, and an abundance of joy in my soul as I choose to fully rest in His arms that are the ONLY thing that can carry me through on this journey.